Advice needed...

[islandgyrl]

I am new here and to this scene. Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I met a man and we immediately had a connection. Things got pretty out of control and before I knew it we had a "safe word". I didn't think much of it until the next day when I saw brusing on my breasts and stomach.

I thought perhaps I bruise easily and we both hadn't been with another person intimately in a long time...but during out next encounter it was obvious he is sadistic.

I realize we started too fast but now I think about being with him all the time! When I attempted to speak to him about the bruising he said you must bruise easily. But I know he did it intentionally.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

[Euryleia]

The first question is: do you want to be bruised? Healthy relationships require open and honest communication, this is doubly important in relationships that are BDSM.

If you don't want the bruising, you need to tell him and you need to use your safeword/

If you do like receiving the pain but not the bruises, use arnica gel to speed up the healing.

If you like receiving them, enjoy wearing the marks that he enjoys leaving, I don't see a problem with both of you getting what you want.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

[Ragoczy]

I see communication and trust issues here.

As Euryleia said, if you don't want bruises, then you should make that clear as a limit and he should respect that.

Now, if you do bruise more easily than most people, then it may take some adjustment on his part to find the level of intensity that won't leave bruises -- bruises may occur accidentally as he adjusts to that, but you should have a comfortable sense that he is trying to adjust.

If you've been clear that you don't want bruises and the response is simply "you bruise easily" with no attempt to adjust to accommodate that limit, then I would think that's a significant problem that you should carefully consider. The key here being "clear" -- clear communication is sometimes difficult. When I want to be sure something's clear, I use the "tell me like I'm five"-approach: brief, concise, no metaphors or innuendo, nothing that could be misunderstood.

"I do not want bruises; bruises are a hard limit for me" might be a good start.

If it's a sometimes thing, be clear about that: "Bruises are okay most of the time, but I'm going to the beach next weekend, so none until after that date." (Or "I have a doctor appointment and don't want to have to explain: 'Hey, doc, they're consensual'" -- always a fun conversation, I hear.)

If you find yourself feeling that you've been clear about it, but he's not making a good faith effort to adjust, then you have a problem.

The trust issue I see is that you're sure he's intentionally causing bruising, but it sounds like he's saying it wasn't intentional (that you bruise easily). If you truly don't trust he's stating his intent, do you really want to trust him to keep putting you in a vulnerable position?

[mighty_marc]

The fact that you feel like wanting to be with him shows that you like him and he certainly likes you too. A man with sadistic tendencies might be the right one for you; you have to know for yourself what you like and to what extent.

But I am sorry to say that I see a severe problem in your communication: If you are worried about the bruises, expressing your thoughts and he is ignoring that, even denying reality, then there seems to be a severe problem for me.

But what advice can I give?
If you feel like wanting to give your love and devotion to him, that is what you shall do. I do however recommend to think about all that. If you can't get through to him, reach this point of opnenness it means a lot. I do however not know the situation: How have you tried to talk to him? Might the situation be misunderstood by him? Did he think that you were teasing?
Maybe, you should try to talk to him about that serisously in a quite minute apt for this.
If that doesn't work I would think about the whole situation!

It is not the sadistic drive that is of any problem, but a lack of control and the denial of it in the interaction with the partner

I am sorry for writing such a negative reply, but it's true

[denuseri]

Talk to him about it and set some limits with him.

Planning is paramont to making a relationship work especially a bdsm one.

Comunitcation is key. Also be safe first, kinky second.

Do any of your friends know you are dating him?

If not make sure at least one does, and arrange a contact number you will call to check in with him/her to make sure you are safe etc, just in case.

It sounds scary but you never know, I found out the hard way myself once and allmost wouldnt be here today if i wasnt extremely lucky.

Outside of all that you need to decide how far things will go and establish some limits, trusting him is something he needs to earn with "actions" over time.

[islandgyrl]

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. Everyone has valid points I must consider. I am grateful that I have found this site so I may be educated on this lifestyle.

I have a friend that I contact regarding my plans. We keep tabs on each other. I will communicate in a quiet environment and discuss my limits. If he cannot honor them he is history.

I will keep you posted.

[Wickedlust]

im a dom and thought id say a lil. i enjoy seeing leaving welts and scratches on my porclain skinned sub and he does tend to bruise easily (one time we were at a store and i pinched his but and he just smiled at me then later found i gave him a nasty bruise and it was thru jeans!) but i know ways to prevent horrible bruises.
1. take no blood thinners like asprin before a beating.
2. warm the skin up first.
3. if appendages are bound, i dont beat them hard!
bound breasts are easily damageable and easy to cause permanent damage. also, a bruise that shows up immediately isnt as bad as one that takes 3days to appear. because ones that take a few days means deeper tissue was damaged and it has taken that long to surface. but boobies are sensitive as it is + dont have muscle beneath like a booty. the capilaries are easier to bust and tho it does look very sexy just the rope can leave blood bruises..
if he was squeezing them so hard they bruised do the same to his dick and c the reaction. a grimmace of pain, a flash of anger and a moment of pleasure. . . though very different equipment the same emotions r attatched.

all in all I personally talk to him first whenever I'm n a mood to play rough. something i wish more people knew how to do especially when trying to earn trust in a relationship.

[fetishdj]

Arnica also comes in a tablet form as well as the gel...

[islandgyrl]

I told him we needed to talk. I followed up with my concerns. We were on the phone so it was difficult to tell if he got it. The next time we met I re-stated my concern about the bruises.

He said he would adjust the pressure and it has worked out great. Sometimes I still get little ones. I can deal with those.

The "tell me like i'm five idea" is great! It helped me and him sooo much. Sometimes it's very hard for me to communicate to a man.

I see communication and trust issues here.

As Euryleia said, if you don't want bruises, then you should make that clear as a limit and he should respect that.

Now, if you do bruise more easily than most people, then it may take some adjustment on his part to find the level of intensity that won't leave bruises -- bruises may occur accidentally as he adjusts to that, but you should have a comfortable sense that he is trying to adjust.

If you've been clear that you don't want bruises and the response is simply "you bruise easily" with no attempt to adjust to accommodate that limit, then I would think that's a significant problem that you should carefully consider. The key here being "clear" -- clear communication is sometimes difficult. When I want to be sure something's clear, I use the "tell me like I'm five"-approach: brief, concise, no metaphors or innuendo, nothing that could be misunderstood.

"I do not want bruises; bruises are a hard limit for me" might be a good start.

If it's a sometimes thing, be clear about that: "Bruises are okay most of the time, but I'm going to the beach next weekend, so none until after that date." (Or "I have a doctor appointment and don't want to have to explain: 'Hey, doc, they're consensual'" -- always a fun conversation, I hear.)

If you find yourself feeling that you've been clear about it, but he's not making a good faith effort to adjust, then you have a problem.

The trust issue I see is that you're sure he's intentionally causing bruising, but it sounds like he's saying it wasn't intentional (that you bruise easily). If you truly don't trust he's stating his intent, do you really want to trust him to keep putting you in a vulnerable position?

[islandgyrl]

Ya know I do believe he has a control problem. Either he thinks I'm ignorant or we have a long road ahead. As soon as the bruises are under control he starts with these restraint techniques.

It really is difficult to know who to trust.

The fact that you feel like wanting to be with him shows that you like him and he certainly likes you too. A man with sadistic tendencies might be the right one for you; you have to know for yourself what you like and to what extent.

But I am sorry to say that I see a severe problem in your communication: If you are worried about the bruises, expressing your thoughts and he is ignoring that, even denying reality, then there seems to be a severe problem for me.

But what advice can I give?
If you feel like wanting to give your love and devotion to him, that is what you shall do. I do however recommend to think about all that. If you can't get through to him, reach this point of opnenness it means a lot. I do however not know the situation: How have you tried to talk to him? Might the situation be misunderstood by him? Did he think that you were teasing?
Maybe, you should try to talk to him about that serisously in a quite minute apt for this.
If that doesn't work I would think about the whole situation!

It is not the sadistic drive that is of any problem, but a lack of control and the denial of it in the interaction with the partner

I am sorry for writing such a negative reply, but it's true

[icey]

I met a man and we immediately had a connection. Things got pretty out of control and before I knew it we had a "safe word". I didn't think much of it until the next day when I saw brusing on my breasts and stomach.
.

i know this thread is a couple of weeks old but im curious, why didnt you think much of it UNTIL the next day when you saw bruising?
im not really sure i understand what you're saying,you either enjoyed it or you didnt regardless of any bruising.
or are you saying that you want to play but no bruising? if thats the case then you have to accept that anything you do (bdsm) always has a chance of causing some form of bruising or markage.
and what do you mean by things got pretty out of control? thats a worrying statement and is never a good thing!

[SubChaser]

For one, submissive does not mean doormat.
Two, discussing limits and boundaries is key. Express yourself, if you feel you can't without being punished or ignored. Then for your own safety and sanity, ask to be released.

Feeling that you want to be with him can be deceptive. The endorphines submissive sexual situations creates is extremely addictive. Something all subs need to be aware of, these endorphines can mask as feelings, and rather intense ones at that.
Beyond that... COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! please please please
Be safe

[Oak]

For one, submissive does not mean doormat.
Two, discussing limits and boundaries is key. Express yourself, if you feel you can't without being punished or ignored. Then for your own safety and sanity, ask to be released.

Feeling that you want to be with him can be deceptive. The endorphines submissive sexual situations creates is extremely addictive. Something all subs need to be aware of, these endorphines can mask as feelings, and rather intense ones at that.
Beyond that... COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! please please please
Be safe

I totally agree with SubChaser. The most important thing is to communicate.
But I must admit that I sometimes have a little difficulties with understanding your problems with the bruises. How did they come etc? Did you like what happened until you saw the bruises?
Are you in BdSm or aren't you? Maybe the guy don't even know himself that he maybe is into it.
If you else like to be together, then sit down and talk it through, both what you like and what you dislike and listen to what he says too.
It's very important that you find out before shit happens. Better be safe than sorry

[hopperboo]

i know this thread is a couple of weeks old but im curious, why didnt you think much of it UNTIL the next day when you saw bruising?
im not really sure i understand what you're saying,you either enjoyed it or you didnt regardless of any bruising.

I understand what she means....

It may have been an extreme turn on while it was happening or maybe she didn't notice how tightly he was holding/touching.

I think when one wakes up in the cold light of day and actually SEES the results of the 'play' especially when it's something new...it could be a serious shock.

[denuseri]

Not everyone into bdsm can go running around in thier day to day life covered in bruises.

Some people work in jobs that require more exposed skin than others etc etc.

[icey]

i can appreciate that,much as i love them i wouldnt want them 24/7 but what im saying is that you cant expect not to have them either sometimes no matter how careful you are it's going to happen, hell i can get a bruise just from bumping into the coffee table lol ...but what im asking is why not think much of it until the next day?

The endorphines submissive sexual situations creates is extremely addictive.

im sorry but what do endorphins have to do with it? yes you could argue it's addictive but only in the sense that you want it to happen again the next time you play or when it's happening and you dont want it to stop .we've probably all been there lol..but that doesnt mean that you're going to go back to someone simply to get that high again! im totally lost with that line of reasoning.

and im still lost with the sentence that ''before I knew it we had a "safe word".? wouldnt you have a safeword in place BEFORE play? and if you needed to use it then why be so surprised? isnt thats why its there?
i know im asking a lot of questions sorry but im tired and therefore probably totally misunderstanding everything but..i still had to ask lol

[blythe spirit]

[QUOTE=icey;730545]im sorry but what do endorphins have to do with it? yes you could argue it's addictive but only in the sense that you want it to happen again the next time you play or when it's happening and you dont want it to stop .we've probably all been there lol..but that doesnt mean that you're going to go back to someone simply to get that high again! im totally lost with that line of reasoning./QUOTE]

*takes icey by the hand and leads her to endorphin land.* lol

Whilst I'm sure you understand that wonderful high that happens when endorphins are released, you seem not to understand why you would simply return to someone just to re-experience that high.

Perhaps it's becaue you're in a relationship and that high is there whenever you need it. lol Good Doms (not saying that the OP's Dom was/is good or bad) are few and far. I have spoken with subs that will return to the scene of the crime, knowing how detrimental it is for them emotionally and physically, because they need that sensation and know that person can offer it to them. Albeit, it almost always comes with regrets.

[SubChaser]

Thank you for expanding on My point, and very well said.