what makes your Dom YOUR DOM?

[openlyrefined]

I don't mean this in the 'question his dominance' way just simply, in your relationship with your current Dom, what is it that makes him (for lack of a better word) 'domly' compared to a 'Nilla boyfriend with high expectations?

• Is it because YOU have chosen to submit to this particular person?
• Is it because of rituals & mantras? and if so, would your partner still be your Dom if there wasn't a heavy emphasis on BDSM or would they (just) be your partner?
• Is it because you like punishment & discipline? or vice versa?

There are many other possibilities & every person will have a different response based on the individual dynamic of each relationship, but I am curious how other relationships work in this regard as much of what I have seen, heard & read about is a lot of hooey, and as much as many couples do practice extreme play, most Dom/sub forums, videos & tips do not accurately portray (IMHO) actual Dom/sub relationships.

NOTE: this is not to say that these Dom/sub dynamics do not exist, because they do, but i am looking for responses from the 'less extreme' players

~ openlyrefined

[Zarine13]

He's not my 'Dom' He's my friend.

We chose each other.

(sorry it's not as in depth as you may have wanted but thats pretty much the answer you would have gotten no matter how many words I used )

[love2serve]

Truthful answer...... I dont know. Just talking online I knew he had something special, something that I had been looking for (even though I didnt know it at the time). By the time we met face to face and he asked me the question 'yes or no' as he leaned in the car window I already thought I knew, but having him look in my eyes.... with so deep and powerful a stare it made me tremble, then I really knew. Now when I look in his eyes my immediate reaction is always one of intense excitement, mixed with an overwhelming desire to kneel for him. I suppose a lot of the feelings brought to the surface are because I had always been submissive, just didnt have someone to bring it out in me. The excitement I feel when we meet is compounded by knowing that he will use me, because nearly all the experiences he subjects me to are new to me. The caring, but firm way with which he carries these things out never worries or frightens me as I know he would never hurt me (any more than I need to be hurt - if you get my drift). So there you are, not really an answer you can get your teeth into, but an honest one and one which I hope explains why he is my Dom.

[bpqueen]

His eyes.

He commanded me one day to look at Him, and He gave me a Look which immediately flipped a switch in my brain. We have had a BDSM relationship ever since, and the Look still is an instant subbie switch which makes me completely useless for any function that doesn't involve His manhandling me. Actually, much like I "knew" that my husband was The One, I knew that my Master was The One. I don't mean to be romantic or unhelpful, but I have always felt an immediate and complete Trust of Him, that I do not feel with anyone else. I know that when we are together, we are so much more than when we are apart, and we are loving life right now :-)

[wind_dancer{W_W}]

He is so much more than my Dom.... He is my Lord, my Master, my GOD, my heart, my soul, my life, my love, my bestfriend. He is who He is and i love Him for that.

But to get to specifics... i think the first inkling of knowledge that He would be my first (and last ) Dom came when He was able to make me cry so hard the first night i met Him by helping me to see what i truly am inside, a slave, and that is when i realized that He was my "Dom". Then from there on there has been so much more that i cant even list it all..... but He is my Dom first and for most, because as a woman and as a slave, i chose Him to give my all to... literally. i love Him for everything He does and everything He is...

[BryansGrrrl]

Mia'Cova is my Dom. (Lisais Mine)

He is my Dom because he knows me. He WANTS to know me. He takes the time, energy & care to know me fully, to really understand who I am and what makes me tick. Every question He asks leads Him to learn more about me. I truly believe that one day He will know all of me, and will be the only person in the world who truly does (including me).

He is my Dom because He knows when to let me go and when to rein me in. He knows how far to let me go not only sexually, but in my every day life as well. He knows when to say a sharp word or give a look that will stop me from being to harsh, both with myself and with others. He knows how to tell me gently that I am wrong, and suggests ways to fix it.

He is my Dom because He makes me not only want to be a better sub, but a better person.

He is my Dom because He loves me. He is my Dom because I love Him. I know that we have a choice as to who to submit to, but it didn't feel as if I did. From the moment we met, I did what he asked. I just... surrendered. I gave myself to Him. I don't know why, really. It was easy, simple, uncomplicated. It just felt like the right thing to do. And I'm so happy that it did, and that I did, because I truly can't imagine where I'd be now without Him.

[denuseri]

Lets see...it couldnt be becuase I get weak in the knees and wet as all get out just thinking about him...could it? lol

[AdrianaAurora]

Even people who don't know we are into this Lifestyle immediately defer to Him and would describe Him as an Alpha - there are many wonderful "laid back" doms, but I need a "strong hand". He has a certain "je ne sais quoi" about Him and there is a highly charged Chemistry between us. Its in His eyes, in the way He looks at me; in a deliberate, controlled way He touches me...

Intensity.

[fluffy]

Mr B******d and i knew each other as friends for a long time before we even approached a relationship.
for 14 years of my 20 year marriage he was my friend, never did it come into conversation that we could get it together, though we had many intimate discussions, never did our shared interest in the darker side of love raise its head either.
But by god, the second he kissed me i knew, i knew i would submit to him.
He says he saw it in me all along?
He knows what i can take, where i can take it and how long for.
i know what makes him happy.
Thats what makes Him my Dom.

[good_girl]

When I first read this question my immediate thought went to because he lets me be that part of myself that none have ever let me before…..but that’s so not right.

The fact is when we started out I didn’t take things all that seriously, we were two people who had a common interest and our paths crossed, neither of us really expected it to last all that long but we decided to just enjoy it while it lasted. In all honesty, back then I wanted desperately to submit to someone and he seemed a fitting candidate…he let me. Yes I know how bad that sounds and I wouldn’t have gone with just anyone who let me but he was different right from the beginning.

Now I look at things very differently, he is my Dom not only because he lets me submit to him, I know now that had that been the only thing then things wouldn’t have lasted as they have.

He is my Dom because;
-there is no doubt in my mind that he knows better than I do what I need from him.
-He never forces me to do what I’m not ready to do.
-He has proven to me that he is always there for me even if he can’t be here with me.
-He knows my fears and is always there for me when I’m ready to face them.
-He can create excitement in me but more so he can create calm in me.

There have been other relationships in my past where I have felt a desire to please my partner before myself, but this is the first time there is no selfish motivation behind it, I don’t need anything from him that he isn’t already giving me, he makes me truly happy and that’s why he is my Dom.

[jeanne]

When I first read this question my immediate thought went to because he lets me be that part of myself that none have ever let me before…..but that’s so not right.

The fact is when we started out I didn’t take things all that seriously, we were two people who had a common interest and our paths crossed, neither of us really expected it to last all that long but we decided to just enjoy it while it lasted. In all honesty, back then I wanted desperately to submit to someone and he seemed a fitting candidate…he let me. Yes I know how bad that sounds and I wouldn’t have gone with just anyone who let me but he was different right from the beginning.

Now I look at things very differently, he is my Dom not only because he lets me submit to him, I know now that had that been the only thing then things wouldn’t have lasted as they have.

He is my Dom because;
-there is no doubt in my mind that he knows better than I do what I need from him.
-He never forces me to do what I’m not ready to do.
-He has proven to me that he is always there for me even if he can’t be here with me.
-He knows my fears and is always there for me when I’m ready to face them.
-He can create excitement in me but more so he can create calm in me.

There have been other relationships in my past where I have felt a desire to please my partner before myself, but this is the first time there is no selfish motivation behind it, I don’t need anything from him that he isn’t already giving me, he makes me truly happy and that’s why he is my Dom.

Are you sure you aren't my long lost twin?

I hadn't posted in this thread because I just couldn't find the right words. Thanks, good_girl, for finding them for me.

[damyanti]

When I first read this question my immediate thought went to because he lets me be that part of myself that none have ever let me before…..but that’s so not right.

The fact is when we started out I didn’t take things all that seriously, we were two people who had a common interest and our paths crossed, neither of us really expected it to last all that long but we decided to just enjoy it while it lasted. In all honesty, back then I wanted desperately to submit to someone and he seemed a fitting candidate…he let me. Yes I know how bad that sounds and I wouldn’t have gone with just anyone who let me but he was different right from the beginning.

Now I look at things very differently, he is my Dom not only because he lets me submit to him, I know now that had that been the only thing then things wouldn’t have lasted as they have.

He is my Dom because;
-there is no doubt in my mind that he knows better than I do what I need from him.
-He never forces me to do what I’m not ready to do.
-He has proven to me that he is always there for me even if he can’t be here with me.
-He knows my fears and is always there for me when I’m ready to face them.
-He can create excitement in me but more so he can create calm in me.

There have been other relationships in my past where I have felt a desire to please my partner before myself, but this is the first time there is no selfish motivation behind it, I don’t need anything from him that he isn’t already giving me, he makes me truly happy and that’s why he is my Dom.

Beautiful and Honest answer good_girl. Thank you

[jezabel]

Hes my Dom because He knows me better than i know myself...just by a look, a change in tone of voice, a touch He can control me

with a kiss He can excite me, with a slap He makes me surrender completely, He can build me up but just as easily put me back in my place with a few simple words

He is my first AND last Dom, He is the man ive been searching for, for the whole of my life....He is my soulmate....we can finish each others sentances, its as if we have a psychic link between us

He thinks im beautiful and tells me so constantly....He truely loves me and i love him, but more than that i worship him....for being the man He is...for the first time in my life i have someone who loves me "just the way i am" (bridget jones)

thats why Hes my Dom and i wouldnt have Him any other way

(sorry if i havent put it as well as good_girl, but she has a better way with words lol)

[good_girl]

Are you sure you aren't my long lost twin?

I hadn't posted in this thread because I just couldn't find the right words. Thanks, good_girl, for finding them for me.

Beautiful and Honest answer good_girl. Thank you

(sorry if i havent put it as well as good_girl, but she has a better way with words lol)

Awww you all made me blush, thank you, it took me a few days to answer myself because I didn’t know the words to say this, but it seems I found them last night

[openlyrefined]

these are all fabulous responses! thanks everyone for sharing!

[Wind_Walker25]

What makes my slave, my slave!!
you have to get both sides..
I believe in her, I trust her, and I, from the first, have been so proud of her!
I know no matter what happens, she will be on her knees before me,
I know she trusts me!! and did I say, I AM PROUD OF EVERY THING SHE DOES!!!!

[ravenbounduptight]

What makes my Dom my Dom? i trust Him and crave to submit to Him deeper then i've ever gone before. His hands, His voice, His self just looking at me in only the way He can.

What makes my Top my Top? He is great at rope, He is romatic in a way that i never thought i'd like. Dances with me when i'm bound up in rope, touches me softly, paddles me hard and makes me moan oh so great. His ropes are what do it for me.

it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside thinking of what each one does to me. (and i didnt even get into what my other Domme/top does for me. hehehehe).

~j~

[SubmissiveCandy]

What makes my Dom my Dom? We started chatting here in the library. A few weeks passed by or so and He messaged me out of the blue. I told Him that I was new to the lifestyle but had a bit of an experience of two months with an ex. He asked me if I would accept him as MY Dom and I said yes.
I love His touch, His loving kiss, His presence near me, how much He cares for me. I love the discipline as well. There are times when I don't like it but after we are through with punishment He tells me He loves me and lets me sit in His lap.
I trust Him completely and I know that He wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I can honestly say that I have never been happier with any of my ex boyfriends as I am with Sir. I strive daily to make Him happy and please Him any way that I can.
If He is the one that I am to be with for the rest of my life that is fine by me. lol. I wear His collar proudly and He shall be my one and only Dom. I will be His until He tires of me...but He told me that He would not leave me which makes me love Him more and more every day.
*giggles* I feel like a school girl gushing over a crush or something.

[Brkndrgn]

I realize that this is an old thread, but I really wanted to answer this question.

I've had more Dom/mes than I care to think about. For nearly three years, my life was 24/7 BDSM with Dom/mes of all types. I won't lie to you, that didn't really do it for me. I loved the pain, but there was nothing beyond that. They only existed while they were hurting me, I had no interest or need for them outside of that. As soon as I reached that point where pain became numb, I was completely out of sub-space and wanted nothing more than to get away.

My current Dom and I aren't 24/7 players, but he's different from anyone I've ever met. He's a Dom regardless of whether we're in play or not, there's this sense of being owned by him and owning him in return that I've never had before. I think the biggest reason he's actually my Dom and not just some faceless idea with a whip is that he's the first man I've ever felt safe with no matter what. It's almost like we share the same mind. He can tell in a single glance what i need whether it's play, just rough sex, just a gentle caress or a swift bite on my neck.

Your Dom/me is your Dom/me because he/she can reach you on a level no one else can. He/she can bring out things about who you are that you never knew existed. In most ways, it's no different from a normal relationship (for lack of a better euphamism): you find a person that gives you something you need and desire and it works out between you.

Anyway, just my thought for an interesting dead thread

[Dog's Lady]

First, he was my friend; then we lost each other for a while. Then, we I was numb and half-dead, he resurfaced. He accepted the changed me, but is trying to bring me back to living life. He has shown me joy again. Then, we became lovers-something he waited 15 years for, never resenting my "no's," and never giving up hope that someday he could tell me that he loved me. THEN, we discussed our common BDSM desires, my small experience, his much greater knowledge. Now, he leads me, training me gently, as my ego and heart are still very fragile, without making me feel like an emotional or sexual invalid. He helps me learn my limits and helps me push them-but never pushes too hard. He is still my friend and without that trust in place I don't think I could have ever felt so safe with him, safe enough to try new things, things I am/was afraid of, safe enough to fail at some of them without failing HIM. I've learned so much from him, not just about BDSM, but about life and how to live it, about what kind of person I want to be. He makes me braver smarter, stronger, even when I am at my weakest, even when my submission lets him see my weakness the most. I love him and he loves me. We are not 24/7 BDSM, and he almost always seems to know when I need sweet, vanilla-type love, and when I need him to be his harshest, without me telling him. He is loving,kind, warm, everything any vanilla girl might want, yet, with only two fingers (no, not there!) he can make his dominance felt and make me feel safer knowing he is taking charge.
I hope this is what you were looking for in an answer, or that it at least helps someone understand why we do what we do.(And, yes, if you ask nicely I'll tell you what he does with those two fingers!)

[iucundavi]

This is a great thread and it's given me a lot to think about. Thanks for your responses, everyone!

[ksst]

Well, we are definitely "less extreme" and have been married a long time, with a relationship based in love, trust, openness, forgiveness and equality. Just recently we got into the bdsm activities, with me being the more kinky party. Our relationship outside of sex is not d/s, but for me I need the being dominated and such to have maximum enjoyment. He is enjoying a lot of things that he never thought he would do, basically for my sake.