Trying to understand...

[Jen]

I've only recently acknowledged my "submissive" nature to myself these past few months, and I'm trying to deal with the implications. It's been a lifelong uphill battle to repress these thoughts and instincts... and I lost. I used the internet and stumbled into the "scene" this past year, and now I have mixed feelings... and I was hoping others could help me understand them. Here's the problem I'm facing... I feel a great sense of relief now that I know there's a way to express what has been inside me for so long, but I also feel... ummm... ashamed (word choice?) that I could want/like this.
Now a little background... I guess I'm a submissive and a masochist based on recent experiences. I've had these thoughts/fantasies, though, since I was quite young, óay 7 or 8 even. (The fantasies at that time weren't sexual, of course, but they turned that way after puberty.) I played a little with light spanking and bondage with a high school boyfriend and found it thrilling, but until recently chose to ignore that desire. Many factors led to me becoming desperate enough to look on the internet for more than just information (heh), but that's not really important. I think I'm still in a state of shock, though, both about what I have experienced (how far it went) and how much I liked it. Do other people have these mixed emotions of relief and shame? Do you get over them? Maybe it's just my personality... I'm a "type A" professional woman with control issues in a very high stress field. At least from what I've read, that seems to be a common stereotype among submissive females. How do other women deal with these desires and this lifestyle when it seems so inconsistent with, say, their professional self?

Jen

[BDSM_Tourguide]

And the question that has been passed down through the years: How do I balance my career and be submissive at the same time?

Worse yet, how can I be so in control at work and so willing to give up control in private?

These questions burn through the minds of a lot of submissives, even mine. The answer is simple. You must do what you feel you can do. Set your limits, based on what you think you can do 'right now' and let them be pushed as you progress into your submission and grow.

Find a partner that is understanding. Take your time doing this! DO NOT rush into anything! All you will do is hurt yourself and leave a bad taste in your mouth about all things bdsm-related. Frighteningly enough, rushing into internet relationships, or even real-life ones, can wind up in your untimely death. Keep that in mind while selecting and getting to know your partner.

Do not be afraid to ask questions. Also, know when to ask questions. Tied down spread-eagle with hot candle wax being dribbled on your ass and back might not be the best time in the world to ask your Master why he thinks you would enjoy bringing his slippers to him on your hands and knees in your mouth.

Find a good support group, either in real-life or online. Attend your local munches and parties, if you have them in your area. Alternative bookstores, lingerie shops, even record stores will typically have fliers for local bdsm groups. If you look online, search for websites focused on the teaching and talking aspect, rather than just the photos and porn aspects. To this end, I have a site of my own that you can feel free to check out anytime you want. The url is: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMTutorial

Keep and open mind. Remember the thing that makes you go EWWWWWW!!! today might make you go OOOOOOO!!!! six months from now. Do not dismiss anything without trying it at least twice. You never know, fetching Master's slippers in your mouth on your hands and knees might be one of the most submissive-feeling things you ever do. Leave your mind open to all possibilities.

Finally, make some friends. You friends, both online and real-life are your support group, your safety net, your sisters, your mother and your conscience all wrapped into one. Your friends are the people that are going to ask you the questions you don't want to answer. They're the ones that are going to "accidentally" call you while that new guy is over at your house, just to make sure you're still breathing. And they're also the people that are going to, figuratively speaking, slap you upside the head and ask you what in the hell are you thinking? Your friends are treasures. They are also curses, but they're the best damned curses you will ever get.

Please use this information to your best advantage. If you have any more questions, please pm me anytime. My ICQ number is listed on my profile here, but there isn't any place to enter an msn messenger address. So, if you want it, just ask for it.

[Jen]

Thanks for the advice. I really am pretty confused about all this, and I appreciate being taken seriously. I really wasn't sure what my next step should be, but what you said about getting out and meeting people makes sense. (I'm still not sure I would know how to go about doing that, and I'm even more not sure I'd have the guts to.) I have had only limited experience with a couple (very nice) guys I met via the internet, but I'm very aware that it could have turned out much differently. I feel like I'm just blindly stumbling around with this whole concept... I hate being this disorientated. As for making friends and having a support network, while that sounds great, I have no bloody idea how I would ever meet like minded females, much less get myself to confide in them. I guess I really don't have a specific question or real point to this message other than to vent. Oh well. I'll either get through this transition somehow or I won't. A good sized part of me hopes I won't, actually... it was so much easier being "normal" and repressed. Heh

Jen

PS Oh, here's a question. Is it common that submissive femles seem to have such a different "public" self? Do they generally have control issues or stressful jobs or other positions of power? Or is that too simplified a stereotype to be true? heh

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... for people in positions of power and/or responsibility to want to give up all the control they experience in their everyday lives. Many people that are the boss at work don't want to be the boss at home, too.

I can kind of understand this standpoint. It can be very liberating to go to work everyday and bark out orders and make sure everything is done to your exacting specifications, but then come home and strip off your work self and relinquich all that control and listen to someone for a change. Very refreshing, if you ask me.

You will find people that disagree with these ideas, of course. There are people that believe we are born into our roles in life. That if we are meant to be submissive, we are, and if we are meant to be dominant, we are born with that type of personality. I, personally, am not a proponent of this line of thinking, although I will admit it has merit. I'm a behaviourist and I believe that our actions are not only shaped by our heredity, but also by the influences of our environment, family and culture.

In the question you asked is a very good examlpe of this. You work a high-powered job and are in control most of your time, but when you come home you want to settle down, give up that control and let someone else take the reigns for awhile. You will find many people like you, trust me.

The most important thing is to be yourself, be true to yourself and listen to what you feel you need. You know yourself better than anyone else, so why shouldn't you make those decisions for yourself?

I'm pleased that you have started this thread. It's a discussion I have been meaning to have in my own group. Now, I have a little backing to start that discussion.

Thanks.

[Jen]

Thanks again for the informative reply...

I have to disagree with you, at least in part, about your behaviorist perspective. I don’t mean to get into an environment verses genetic debate, those are usually pointless since neither standpoint can really be proven... But I will point out something that tends to be generally overlooked, namely inheritance. Just because something is genetic, doesn’t mean it’s inherited. Many people find the concept that genetics may predetermine aspects of our personalities distasteful because it implies we inherited our personalities from our parents, making us less of an unique individual. I’m not just saying “spontaneous mutation” makes us unique. Sexual reproduction entails the “mixing and matching” of genetic material (between the egg and sperm at the conclusion of meiosis), so that the whole is no longer merely the sum of it’s parts. Of course, people have other issues with a “genetic” theory for many reasons beyond "inheritance". heh

I have another (more practical) issue with an environmental argument, though. When it comes to this whole BDSM thing (that I’m still trying to work out for myself), I have had bondage and domination fantasies/daydreams since I was very young... well before I could have ever been exposed to the concept in the environment (and well before I knew what “sexual” thoughts were). I actually found most of what I thought was my own unique fantasy concepts in other people’s writings on the internet over the past year or two I’ve been looking. Why is that? I found the similarities quite creepy at first.

Which brings me to another question. I have seen other women write similar things as I just did, namely about having fantasies since they were too young to be exposed... but I have not seen men write that they have had domination fantasies since that young an age. They usually have an environmental exposure they attribute it to or, at the very least, wait until puberty to have those thoughts... heh Is that generally true, or is there a selection bias in that mainly women chose to write about this?

Jen

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Maybe a woman will read this and answer for you. I'm not really in a position to answer that question.

[kimberly]

Jen sis,
please forgive this one for not replying sooner. was out on vacation and returned to your lovely post. there is indeed a *public self* that exists. i too am a professional, in a HIGH stress position...and giving myself physically to Master when the work day is done. but 24/7 my soul belongs to Him. please feel free to email me or contact me in anyway. i would be honored to help in any way possible. the idea of "giving up" control when the work day is done, is not as it sounds. it isnt "giving up" it is setting myself free in His guidance, care and love. please, be not ashamed of finding what makes you happy. celebrate your ability to honor Another with the gift of you.
((hugs))
looking forward to hearing from you.

Master's slave and soulmate,

[s_pus]

Hi Jen
I’ve been thru the same confusing stage. I hope this will help a bit on your way.
I managed to get over it and accept my self for whom I’m. Some of the questions I asked my self were; why should I feel ashamed because I get turn-on by a good spanking? Other people do allsorts of strange things. My partner is not hurting me or in fact doing things I don’t find arousing. If someone walks in on us, they may think that he is abusing me, but it’s my body isn’t I the one that decides what I desire and knows what turns me on. How can any one tell me what I feel and long for? Haven’t I the right to get intense orgasm just because we’ve told that it’s not right by the society? I think that it’s a good rule in the civilised world that you shall not inflict another person pain and that you can’t go around hitting people. But I don’t look upon the pain I resave from my partner as a breaking off the civilized laws, but as a part of our sex life that has noting to do with that. Bdsm is something that should only be carried out with equal understanding and respect.
Feelings
Nobody can tell you what you’re feeling; your feelings are true and yours alone. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Be true to your feelings and let them be a part of you.
Take care

[Venus]

Jen,

Just thought to let you know that I too had fantasies since I was 7 years old. My fantasies didn't involve me but other people usualy no one in particular,but just imaginary people. I am very dominant in life, I am always the leader in everything, however when it comes to what I want, it is different. I am not to much into BDSM even though I tried some, and I've read many many many stories Me and my husband tried BDSM and I loved it at the time, however I was emotionaly unstable at the time and since I am usualy dominant in life, I do not let my emotions show even if I am in a lot of emotional pain. So when we tried BDSM and my husband wipped me to tears, it was the most intense and pure feeling I've ever had. Unfortunately right now I am not at that point anymore. But it is just me.

Also not always what one want's is possible. For example I would love to be dominated for a 100% and not to have any control whatsoever in a relationship, I would like to be told what to do... BUT this is my fantasy in real life in such a relationship I would last 24 hours tops. Unfortunately scene playing is not enough for me, it has to be all or nothing. Of course we play and we tie each other up and I love hot wax (don't know why it is considered painful, I love it) but I can't call it BDSM to me it is just erotic play. For me personaly BDSM has to be on an emotional level and not just physical play. The role of submissive or a master should not be a good rehearsed show. It should be real feelings and real emotions. What the submissive feels has to come from the heart and what the master feels has to be the same, otherwise it's just a theatrical performance. It is my opinion and that's why for me it's all or nothing. Hopefully this will help you a little to sort your feelings out.
P.S
I hope I am not offending anyone here, I know some people do like to just have a "scene" and that's it, but for me it is just not enough.

[Jennifer-Nylon]

It's a struggle for all of us and yes, I had the fantasties at a young age as well although there wasn't the sexual connection, it was fun to be tied up and captured by the boys when we played games.

I am a professional, I have junior partners reporting to me but I successfully keep my sexual needs distanced from my work life. It would be a little dangerous.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Do you prefer to be dominant in your professional life and submissive in your private life, or do you prefer dominance in both situations?

After reading further posts by you, I seem to have had my question answered. Sorry to pry.

[Jennifer-Nylon]

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Do you prefer to be dominant in your professional life and submissive in your private life, or do you prefer dominance in both situations?

After reading further posts by you, I seem to have had my question answered. Sorry to pry.

Not at all. I don't think I am dominant in my professional life, I try to meet all the needs and listen to people. That makes me good at what i do and it is a team environment.

In my private life I am submissive and can not even begin to understand how to be dominant.

Question for you How do you get colours in your words? I want to put a signature in pink

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... but, by the nature of your position, you have to be somewhat dominant in your job. It's quite understandable.

Somethign I have noticed about people is that most people, women more than men, in "power" positions in their jobs prefer to let that power go in their relationships. They seem to prefer a submissive position in their relationships, rather than have their dominance in all aspects of their lives.

You can use colors in your text by using the color drop-down box located just above the box in which you type your text for these messages. You can select from a list of colors, then type what you want in the box that pops up.

Unfortunately, there aren't any actual signatures, as the ones you would have in your email, but you can use the boxes above the text window and the UBB code to write a signature. Maybe even save it to a text file for future reference.

[Jennifer-Nylon]

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
... but, by the nature of your position, you have to be somewhat dominant in your job. It's quite understandable.

Somethign I have noticed about people is that most people, women more than men, in "power" positions in their jobs prefer to let that power go in their relationships. They seem to prefer a submissive position in their relationships, rather than have their dominance in all aspects of their lives.

You can use colors in your text by using the color drop-down box located just above the box in which you type your text for these messages. You can select from a list of colors, then type what you want in the box that pops up.

Unfortunately, there aren't any actual signatures, as the ones you would have in your email, but you can use the boxes above the text window and the UBB code to write a signature. Maybe even save it to a text file for future reference.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Thanks, you're a love.

I have always been submissive, I have with held it from most of my relationships until I found someone I could trust and who had dominant tendercies.

*sigh* it's not easy but when it happens it marvellous!

[Finding_Fantasy]

Jen, well first of all, I need to give you a big pat on the back for at least acknowledging your desire to tackle the submissive life. It isn't something that comes easily to a lot of people, myself included. To give you some examples, I can only relate to my own experience.

I, too, had a feeling of my nature when I was young, but, I never took any action what so ever. When I was 16 I saw an HBO special called Real Sex and one of the stories was about the BDSM scene. I was intrigued, but I still didn't do anything about it.
Then when I was around 20, I stumbled into a very abusive relationship and when I got out, I found that I had changed dramatically. I was scared of everything, especially anything regarding myself and my desires.
Then I stumbled to and adult chat site where I saw a BDSM chatroom. My pointer hovered over the link so many times but I kept saying to myself. "But I'm not a freak. I don't like being beaten." Of course my total perspective was jaded because of of the "normal" people's view on the subject. However, curiosity took over caution and I went in. To my surprise, and delight, I found I was horribly wrong. I met a lot of wonderful people, especially my Master and now husband.

I guess what I am trying to say is that to try and not be afraid of your desires and what everyone else thinks. If you are worried about being outcast, leave that side of your life away from "normal" people. But my thought is...how can so many people be wrong? Hope it helps.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... the TV generation learns to reproduce.

[Finding_Fantasy]

Yeah? So? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. Well probably not anyway. Then where would YOU be *lol*

[BDSM_Tourguide]

There was a discussion about this recently here or at ST. I forget which, but in any case...