Tough Question(s)

[sub17]

I have appreciated your guys' help in the past and would really like to ask you the following......

My dom has erectile dysfunction, which I am understanding of -as much as possible. I've had the feelings of it being me -that I don't turn him on etc...he assures me it's not that. He says it's high blood pressure/cholesterol etc. Ok. So I try not to take it personally, but then ~ he likes me to suck him. Ok. And much of the time I enjoy it, but truthfully, there are many time when I'd just rather not. Reasons? I'm just not into it, or he's not even hard and it's hard to do anything with a soft 'petite' penis. Sometimes he forces me, which I understand is fine as I am his sub/slave -but he mentions that he feels the difference in quality. As much as I try, he can still tell. Now, I feel like a failure anytime I approach his penis. I don't want to go near it anymore because it's always about the erectile dysfunction/meeting his needs, and I feel like he is always watching/waiting for how I will do. I tried explaining that I don't feel good about it, and he just assures me that I am good and to 'keep practicing' except that I don't want to anymore.

Now he says that I will turn him off of even touching me if I continue to have an aversion to this. That I'd better get over it and start enjoying it more. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I WANT to enjoy it more, but I just can't right now. I WANT to do as he asks and not rebel, but when I do that even, he says it's different quality-wise. So I can't seem to win.

Now he's left the house for the day and he's mad because I tried to explain that I am supposed to be understanding of his erectile dysfunction, why can't he be understanding of my feelings? Why is always about his penis only? Now he's hurt and I am sitting here going between being upset and guilty.
I just didn't know becoming a sub would be this hard.

[cariad]

Not something I know anything about - but has he sort medical advice? Strikes me that it would be best to go to the source of the problem rather than focusing on the symptoms/side effects.

cariad

[sub17]

yes, the doctor says that losing about 80 lbs would help his cholesterol and high blood pressure. My dom explains that doing that would also help his dysfunction.
Doesn't help the way I feel, or my dwindling patience.

[Rhabbi]

OK, ED is not something I have a lot of experience with, but perhaps i can tackle this form the aspect of male ego.

Although he *knows* that his problem is medical, there is a part of him that will feel less than a man because he cannot function with you. He feels that you view him the same way, and your inablity to do what he wants of you only increases this view. Your natural aversion to servicing him causes a negative feedback loop. He feels insecure, needs reassurance from you. You serve him, but he can tell it is out of 'duty.' He feels more insecure, you feel more like you are being used as an object than a person. etc.

I think you can see where this is going, you want to talk about your feelings, but have you spoken with your Dom about his?

You wonder why it has to be about his penis, the only answer I can give you is because it is. By you sucking him off, even if he does not get hard, you are showing him that he is still your Dom.

[Sir_Russell]

There are herbal help and then there is also the blue pill. If he is willing to diet and exercise for you will that help?

Herbs that can help are ginger, damiana, wild yam, beta sitasterol, saspirrilla, also b complex and with b 6 & 12. Go to a good health food store and get advice.

Also I would recommend a fiber powder to do 2 main things, ease his hungry and help him gid himself of what he has eaten.

Russell

[sub17]

Even though we were both upset, I went to him to talk about it. (He stayed in bed all afternoon in an effort to avoid me) He just sat there, said nothing and didn't seem to want to talk. So I said fine angrily and left. Took my kids out for dinner and came back and he's gone. His bathroom bag is gone, and the redial shows his mom's number, so I think he's gone there for the night or two....something he mentioned he did to his previous girlfriends when things were pretty much over. It's only been 1.5 months!

Besides feeling overall rejected, tired and sick of it ~ I am looking right now for moving trucks and movers. He's bailing already and I cannot bank my life/future on a man like that. He ran home to mommy!!

[Rhabbi]

OK

My advice? Change the locks and call the movers yourself. I went back and reread your posts and think that you found a guy whose self image is so poor that he was hoping to redeem it through controlling you. You allowed this and fed him for a while, but when he was unable to keep up his end of things he bailed. A D/s relationship is not easier than a vanille relationship, it is harder. the Dom has to work harder and make judgements based on what his sub feels and wants. Take some time and look around for a new Dom.

[***Kate***]

Agree with Rhabbi,
time to get out of there.

[Sir_Russell]

Good call Rhabbi. find one that is in some shape and has had some success

Russell

[slaveangel{HM}]

*sighs* Well...I have been always under the belief if you truly want your relationship to work with your Dom you will do what it takes to work it out. Personally speaking I love my Master dearly and that bond is so strong that we overcome things slowly in time.

I know you haven't been with your Dom for long, but perhaps you can make it a task. For a relationship to truly work you both have to give and take. He knows his weight loss will assist his solution to his problem, why doensn't he do something about it? If he won't do that or at least attempt to better himself, then he isn't worth it. As you said...he bailed on you, he is trying to escape from his issues, running doesn't help, and you don't need someone like that. He needs to take responsibility for himself and his body, he knows the problem he has to fix it. If he isn't willing to save the relationship by losing weight or at least taking herbal remedies, and instead run home to his mother in weakness, he isn't worth it at all.

I am sure you can do a lot better. You don't have the problem love, he does.

[sub17]

I believe that people should work things out too. That's why I found the movers etc...but I can't bring myself to call them. I just want him home, safe, and to open up and talk to me. Instead, he just keeps up the barriers and his ego drives him away. He wants to lose the weight, but he does the opposite (but so do many people struggling with weight issues). Problem is, I do really love him and want this to work out - but I know that I can't fix what isn't mine to fix. As we got to know each other more, we connected so well and now I just don't understand why it's all going to he11.
He used to say "don't let me do something stupid when I think about leaving or acting like a j-ass"...and I tried to explain that I can't be responsible for that, but still I do try to talk with him and remind him of our love and he usually comes around. He says that he never wants me to leave him.......

[cariad]

Whilst agreeing with angel that all relationships need and deserve us to work at them, there is wisdom in knowing when it is time to admit that much as you would love it work, either the chemistry or the mechanics or it are just not right, and it is time to make a dignified exit.

In my opinion, you have only been with this guy 6 weeks, and your posts show that you have already had a number of significant issues which are way beyond the normal teething problems of a relationship. You may want it both to work, but be honest with yourself, is this something which is going to stand the test of time? If not, then I would start packing before you hurt each other more.

cariad

[precious]

In my opinion, you have only been with this guy 6 weeks, and your posts show that you have already had a number of significant issues which are way beyond the normal teething problems of a relationship. You may want it both to work, but be honest with yourself, is this something which is going to stand the test of time? If not, then I would start packing before you hurt each other more.

cariad

Actually, if i remember correctly, he has all ready hurt you with the bondage. So, i would tend to agree. Get out now before you get physically injured to the point you can't return and emotionally injured to the point you don't want too.

Another thing to keep in mind... your kids. Do you really want THIS type of person around your children? If he behaves this way to you... what might he do to your children in the future? The mental/emotional manipulation is abuse... pure and simple!

GET out NOW!

[sub17]

Ok, I agree with the posts ~it would be silly not to listen/hear you. I think today just kind of put the nail in the coffin for me. He came home last night, and wanted to have it out, but not before he ignored me for 2hrs. I got out of bed(waiting) to sleep in another room, quite clear to me, he didn't want to talk/work things out and he heard me. Came in and told me to get back in our room, or it would be the last night we'd be sleeping together. After a bit of a discussion *ahem* he said to choose the couch or our bed. (remember that the choice is a big deal for him, ultra-important) An ultimatum, I chose the bed, knowing in my heart that he would start something, somehow.

F/Forward to this am. He won't kiss me, I have to kiss him. He makes me do the work and I call him on it. He bends and we talk. Ok. Then, we agree, sorta do a makeup thing, have sex and then he continues to talk about 'issues'. So I've kind of realized that no matter what, it will always be like this. ** Yes, we did take the kids out to a different city today, I paid. I paid for the gas $40, Dinner $61 and the tickets to the centre we attended $26. All on my credit card ~ moi* So he thanked me for giving him such a nice day and how it gives him hope for our r/ship. (*But he won't use the c/card to get his medication -$140*)
Whatever......I give up

[Guest 91108]

I agree with cariad.. sounds like there are too many problems in such a new relationship and it's being so strained. 6 weeks ... bail on it .. 6 weeks you should still be exploring each other not acting like the above posts.

[TomOfSweden]

I agree with cariad.. sounds like there are too many problems in such a new relationship and it's being so strained. 6 weeks ... bail on it .. 6 weeks you should still be exploring each other not acting like the above posts.

This isn't the first serious issue you've had with this guy either. Is he really worth it?

It doesn't sound like you are satisfying each other, either? I understand about the cock thing for him. It's very sensitive for a man. I'd be willing to bet that not getting it up is the worst thing that can happen to any man ever. So I'm going to give him some slack on that one.

But at the same time, he is a Dom. He shouldn't be such a selfish ass. If what he does isn't making you horny and excited, he should stop. That's on page one in the Master-manual.

If he's got high blood-pressure and cholesterol problems I'm guessing he's badly over-weight. If he'd fix that problem, his blood pressure will normalise and his cock will be back in action. A great incentive to eat right and work out.

[Ozme52]

Sounds like the food is more important to him than the sex, you, or his health (E.D. et.al.)

Find another dom who cares enough about himself to take care of you.

[Guest 91108]

is a mistake to drag this relationship out.

[sub17]

Thank you for your thoughts, replies, and support. I think I've decided not to continue on about this problem though. I have made some decisions internally. They include, not moving forward with master/slave -with him anymore...just slowing things down and letting them be more vanilla. I am taking back control of my life in small ways. He seems unable to handle things so I will. Precious ~ you are remembering correctly. As for looking for another Dom...I'm not right now. I don't know that I ever will again.

He mentions that I seem distant, but I'm not disagreeable, actually quite the opposite. It's easier to be with him now that I am detaching. I think releasing myself from the submissive/slave position allows me to make better decisions regarding him. *click, engage brain* I have learned A LOT about myself, relationships and what dominance and submission really should/should not be. All of you have helped me along the way and I continue to learn......

[cariad]

Wishing you well in your journey - please do stay close to us, unless you feel that it will not be helpful to do so.

cariad

[TomOfSweden]

I'll second Cariads request. It would be nice to hear how things develop. Even bad relationships are good in the long run. I'm sure you'll be better at spotting a much better Master in the future.

Good luck