when a dom wants to harm you....

I'm pretty new at this.. and my lover and I are moving towards making this our lifestyle together..

but, here's my dilemma... what does a submissive do when she believes her dom might want to cause her harm?

Here is an example. My dom "required that I be completely shaved" the next time I saw him.. so, two weeks ago.. I tried it. I read everything on the web I could so that I would do it right.. well.. it was a complete disaster... I have spent the last two weeks in complete agony... I have extremely sensative skin... and I got a horrible shaving rash.. ingrown hairs.. infection. I had to take several days off of work because I literally couldn't walk the discomfort was sooo bad. Even went to the doctor to get special cream...

So... I told this to my dom when he came back from his trip.. and he is insisting that I still be clean shaven when I see him next. I explained to him that this was very bad experience... and, to tell the truth.. I still can't even THINK about being touched down there. And even my doctor said it probably wasn't such a good idea... But, he is insisting... So, as a sub, what do you do when your dom wants to put your body in harm that isn't ok with you?

I want to be submissive.. and do as he says.. but, I cannot go through that pain again.. and, frankly.. I can't afford to miss any more days at work... and, if he is this insistant about shaving... what is to stop him from insisting on other, more dangerous issues?

Is this where I have to walk away from my dom? Or, do I just do what he says, and suffer the consequences? I really don't know what to do...

I'd love opinions from both doms/subs...

Don't walk away run.

Run now.

Do not give that person another chance.

In my experience Dom's are very concerned about the welfare of the Sub. You should be treated as a prized possession, not as a thing to be used abused and discarded.

If your Dom is not concerned about an infection how might her treat you if it becomes his whim to pierce your nipples and botches the job?

The main motto in this lifestyle is “safe, sane and consensual!”

There is more than one place and at least one tread like this that deals with different ways and options for denuding your neither area.

Most of us would love to be in the situation where you are compelled and able to do things that are ordered without regard to consequences, but…

There is difference in hurting someone cause it is part of play and in the end it will be enjoyed by both, and harming someone and endangering their health and possibly endangering their job or social life.

You need to sit down and talk to your partner (notice I’m not saying Dom here – and that is on purpose – cause you have to talk as equal!) and discuss all the aspects of his wish. You have to find the way of settling on the common ground, find things acceptable for both of you – because just like in any other relationship (vanilla or even business) things HAVE to work for both parties. If they don’t – than it is not good.

If he can not work with you to find the way around this – I know that if I was in your shoes – I would walk away!

You can find abusive people at any corner. BDSM relationship is something completely different.

Your Dom is being a bit insensitive. As redEva pointed out, safety should be the first concern in both partners perspective when engaging in bdsm play. And besides, is not as if you did not try to please him.
Don't walk away just yet. Talk to him and see if he can tell the difference between refusing and being unable to comply with his request.
If he can not tell the difference, this lifestyle is not for him.

I second the opinion.

Run away, as fast as you can.

It's all fine and dandy to play at real harm -- it's another thing entirely when someone deliberately wants another person to be damaged (mentally or physically.)

If this person cannot understand your real pain, they do not love you.

Find family, find friends, go to a shelter.

Get away, please.

Hello scarletakb,

First of all under no circumstances should you “just do what he says, and suffer the consequences”. This is a rough start to your relationship and it may indicate trouble ahead. If you have found your lover (and now Dom) to be an otherwise trustworthy and loving person then I would sit down with him (as an equal) and try to talk this through. But if he will not come around on this issue, or if you really do think the may start acting without regard for your health, then you need to be ready to leave. Being your Dom does NOT give him the right to endanger your health or well-being. I know when I take a submissive her health and happiness are the first things on my mind always.

Best Wishes
YoungDomLooking

hi scarlet,

i think you should have a serious think about your relationship (at least in a D/s sense) with this person....in both my experience and personal opinion, the welfare of the sub is VERY important to a good Dom...this is important in any relationship, but obviously especially important in one of a D/s nature. A large part of D/s is based on trust....and part of that trust is that which the sub puts in the Dom to makes reasonable decisions regarding their health and welfare....to completely disregard your concerns and recent experience is to completely abuse that trust and greatly weakens the bond between you anyway; you cannot be truely sub to someone you don't fully trust.

HTH and let us know how it goes.

sl

Speaking from the Male and Dom perspective...

If that is really the attitude he is taking then it sounds as if he isn't mature enough emotionally or sexually to handle that kind of relationship. I demand alot from my sub including keeping shaven...but if she had the type of reaction you did it wouldn't have even been a discussion. I would have insisted that she stop. I love hurting her..but never more than she loves being hurt!

Talk to him about it, but be prepared to walk away. You don't say how experienced he is, other than you are moving to this together. It may be that he believes he is doing the "right" thing without fully understanding the responsibility that goes with being a Dom. If you can talk it through then this may just be a blip along the way. If not - then you should leave and quickly.

The line from MrJerseyGuy "I love hurting her..but never more than she loves being hurt!" is very close to being perfect. The only thing I would add is a need to push the limits of a sub, but that must ALWAYS be done with care and understanding of both her needs and limitations.

If the individual is that selfish, and fails to appreciate that there are TWO people in the relationship be it D/s or vanilla, then he is obviously immature and has no understanding of the trust you have placed in him. The trust is obviously misplaced.

Leave him before he lets his ignorance damage you.:( :(

But TG always asks me if I am okay during a scene...and about 50 times at any given times of the day. LOL

I would seriously re-evealuate what this relationship is about. If it is causign you harm then it should not be done, simple as that. Any experienced Dominant with human compassion and common sense would realize that.

I wold lay down the law. As a submissive, you do have the right to do that if it concerns your own personal health. You are not an object, you are not an automaton. You are a human being with feelings and quirks and not being able to shave down there is yours.

If he will not listen to reason. Get away from him.

Trust your own instincts.

If they are telling you this relationship is wrong, not listening to them would be the worst thing you could do.

WOW! I am soo overwhelmed by so many thoughtful, and helpful responses. Thank you so much!

I will deeply consider everything that has been advised here.

You know.. this is really a pretty great community you all have here!

"And so shines a good deed in a weary world..."

- Willie Wonka

Your 'Dom' is essentially the very same person that you have been involved with prior to entering a new dimension in your relationship.

Inconsideration and lack of empathy are traits that would be obvious or should have been obvious prior to entering this aspect of your relationship, usually a person's general traits are a fair indicator of what type of a person they will be regardless of whether they select to be dominant, submissive etc. These are baseline traits. Have you thought about the way he treats people in general outside of your intimate moments? Are there other indicators outside of your sexual relationship that bug you or are there aspects - which you now see as 'small' - that are in fact related to inconsiderate behaviour?

Does he 'insist' on other more everday aspects in your relationship, like an two year old toddler?

Yes it's difficult to put one's foot down, make a stand or end a relationship (if it comes to that road), however if something bothers you this much, you have expressed it and in addition to this you have had a physiological reaction to something and this guy still can't get it then that's a fair signal.

Your health, your livelihood are important aspects of your daily life and your self esteem, submissiveness does not mean that you 'ought' to do something that will put you in a situation that risks these two aspects.

Quote:

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Originally posted by scarletakb
WOW! I am soo overwhelmed by so many thoughtful, and helpful responses. Thank you so much!

I will deeply consider everything that has been advised here.

You know.. this is really a pretty great community you all have here!

---

I'm sometimes a man of few words, this is one of those times.

Don't consider too long love, this guy's an asshole not a dom lover, leave now before he entraps you into something stupid.


pops........Have fun, but be safe;)

Have him walk. I know both sides to this. Doms and subs must communiacate. There is many places that he can use. My problem is the one you mentioned. Can he be trusted. Think about it. There are plenty of reasonable Doms that can give you just as good a ride as your present one Take Care? DO NOT ENDANGER YOUR HEALTHemma

Quote:

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Originally Posted by scarletakb

I'm pretty new at this.. and my lover and I are moving towards making this our lifestyle together..

but, here's my dilemma... what does a submissive do when she believes her dom might want to cause her harm?

Here is an example. My dom "required that I be completely shaved" the next time I saw him.. so, two weeks ago.. I tried it. I read everything on the web I could so that I would do it right.. well.. it was a complete disaster... I have spent the last two weeks in complete agony... I have extremely sensative skin... and I got a horrible shaving rash.. ingrown hairs.. infection. I had to take several days off of work because I literally couldn't walk the discomfort was sooo bad. Even went to the doctor to get special cream...

So... I told this to my dom when he came back from his trip.. and he is insisting that I still be clean shaven when I see him next. I explained to him that this was very bad experience... and, to tell the truth.. I still can't even THINK about being touched down there. And even my doctor said it probably wasn't such a good idea... But, he is insisting... So, as a sub, what do you do when your dom wants to put your body in harm that isn't ok with you?

I want to be submissive.. and do as he says.. but, I cannot go through that pain again.. and, frankly.. I can't afford to miss any more days at work... and, if he is this insistant about shaving... what is to stop him from insisting on other, more dangerous issues?

Is this where I have to walk away from my dom? Or, do I just do what he says, and suffer the consequences? I really don't know what to do...

I'd love opinions from both doms/subs...

---

Yes, yes , and yes emmacd. It can't be said enough Safe, sane and...(everybody together now)!

Just wanted to give everyone an update.. :) I'm still with the same Dom/lover.. I say, "Dom/Lover" because it isn't 100% a dom/sub relationship. much of the time it is though. Things are actually going GREAT! Better than great, even. I wanted to post this, because learning to be a "good sub" is a scarey thing.. for beginners, like me. It is very scarey putting your life and decisions, and your body at the complete control of another person. What I did was fail to trust. Now, granted, trust is something that is earned... but, I still had to do my part. You know, give a little, get a little.

What I've learned is that this was a HUGE test of our relationship. In fact, many other tests have come since then, as well. when I gave over my trust, completely, on this situation, and obeyed him... he then made the decision that "shaving completely down there" wasn't the best idea for me... it ended up being "his decision".. but, he made the decision based on what was best for me. See.. it was all about giving that decision over to him... and he didn't let me down... (BTW... I've learned to enjoy the landing pad look.. :)

Our relationship has really progressed... it is now one of trust.. MUTUAL trust, that is. He trusts me, and I trust him. He is always in charge.. always in control... if I disagree, I can present my case.. and he decides. And his decisions are a good ones..

So, I'm learning... I'm learning what it means to be truly submissive, and this has been a wonderful learning lesson.

I am so glad that everyone put their advice here.. because it provided me with enough information and confidence to walk away if I needed too. Come to find out, I haven't needed to... But, I've learned so very much from you all..

Thanks again. :)

Well I hope that it works well for you then. :)

congradulations on your relationship with you Dom working out... but just remember that there are three things that are verry important in a lifestyle relationship and they are love trust and commuinacation especally since at times asub or slave will be placing there life in there Dom's hands seeing as you are a new sub you will always be learing new things and that is why it is verry important that the communaction is there at all times. i am posting a link that you and your dom can read to help you learn more about the lifestyle.

http://www.castlerealm.com/

Quote:

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Originally Posted by reverie35

Don't walk away run.

Run now.

Do not give that person another chance.

In my experience Dom's are very concerned about the welfare of the Sub. You should be treated as a prized possession, not as a thing to be used abused and discarded.

If your Dom is not concerned about an infection how might her treat you if it becomes his whim to pierce your nipples and botches the job?

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This is so true. if a Dom is not looking after you, then he or she is not concern about you welfare or heath. but only in that they want. " must likey they are new to being a Dom and have no idea on how to look about a sub" so the best thing for you is to talk to them, not as a sub but as a partner and if they are still insisting on that you must shave then walk away from the relationship.

All the best in this.