dominance without the degredation aspect...?

hello all. I am matin, and i have a question i'm having difficulty even phrasing in my mind, so bear with me, please.

I am a new dom, and my partner is a somewhat more experienced sub. she has been somewhat traumatized by abuse and so we have been running into a stumbling block in our play. she wants to be both dominated and somewhat humiliated, but sometimes the humiliation or percieved degredation makes her flip out.

the question i think is what are some ways you all might suggest to convey to her a strong sense of being dominated without being humiliated or degraded.

i would say more bondage myself but physical limitations prevent a great deal of that.

the humiliation and degredation aspects of being dominated are both things she does want, but i want, for her sake, to make her totally comfortable being my sub before we ease into that.

i just don't know how.

thank you!

First and foremost do have a big discussion about goals and ambitions and what she wants and what you want out of this. That is the best place to start anything and never forget to be open and communicative about it all. Without that it is really hard to build enough trust as to her being comforteable enough to submit.

An "easy" way might be to choose her clothes for her every day so that she feels that you are in control and she isnt without it being too humiliating for her at first then you can take bigger steps as she gets "used" to it if you know what I mean.

one tip anyways, and I am gonna ponder some more and might come up with some other ideas later on.

I'd agree that gradual progress is best. I think maybe just a firm tone of voice can have a lot of effect without having to say a whole lot of words. Definitely be conscious of the word choice when you do say more, because as far as degradation, there can be a huge difference in connotation between two words that basically have the same denotation. But yeah, patience is key. And make sure to establish certain actions or key words that may trigger a more negative response and for now, try to avoid them. Good luck! : )

thank you both! its true what you said, kittie, about avoiding the key words and actions.

i tread a minefield lol and whats more its worth it.

i like the suggestion about the clothes, too. and it opens up a whole realm of possibilities!

so many little decisions i can co-opt.:) and the ways to make them all slightly kinky! endless!

wow.

:)

There are some really nice things you can to do to establish your dominance. To ease into a scene, have her sit at your feet and play with her hair, gradually increasing the pressure until you have her head pulled back by her hair and are looking into her eyes. Talk to her in your best "Dom" tone of voice. Tell her she's beautiful, tell her how much you're going to enjoy using her, tell how much she needs you to... Then use the handful of hair you have to pull her onto her hands and knees and 'walk' her into the play area you are using for the moment. If she likes this, it may lead to the wearing of a collar and leash, which offers all sorts of yummy possibilities for control.

Gosh, I just turned myself on. :p

damnit Jeanne. You turned ME on and I am stuck at work :p

oh no.. the dreaded hard on while working... lmao been there

jeanne i really like that idea, thank you

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Originally Posted by Logic1

damnit Jeanne. You turned ME on and I am stuck at work :p

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:) You never fail to make me smile, Logic.

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Originally Posted by Matin

oh no.. the dreaded hard on while working... lmao been there

jeanne i really like that idea, thank you

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Thanks! I hope it works for you both.

Here's another idea. Very simple and straightforward.

Watch her. Have her assume a position you particularly like, one that is comfortable for her, but exposes her. (Naked of course!) Then just watch her. For at least 5 minutes. They will be a long five minutes for her and she'll have to resist the impulse to squirm. When the time is up, tell her how proud you are, how much you enjoy seeing her display herself for you... this can eventually turn into watching her masturbate for your entertainment.

Yep, turned on again. I need to stop posting in this thread! :rolleyes:

Make her humiliate herself. You don't have to say a word.

For example, does she like anal? Make her bend over a table or counter, hold herself open for you, and ask you to "please rape my ass"

Make her display herself, open wide, beg to be used, and refuse until she admits she's your cum slut.

Again, she is using the words she needs to hear, and seeing the merest smile on your face, and you don't have to say a thing.

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Originally Posted by jeanne

There are some really nice things you can to do to establish your dominance. To ease into a scene, have her sit at your feet and play with her hair, gradually increasing the pressure until you have her head pulled back by her hair and are looking into her eyes. Talk to her in your best "Dom" tone of voice. Tell her she's beautiful, tell her how much you're going to enjoy using her, tell how much she needs you to... Then use the handful of hair you have to pull her onto her hands and knees and 'walk' her into the play area you are using for the moment. If she likes this, it may lead to the wearing of a collar and leash, which offers all sorts of yummy possibilities for control.

Gosh, I just turned myself on. :p

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me too! thanks!

so many brains to pick, so little time. *sigh*

you are all wonderful and your suggestions truly appreciated. =>

if you physically pose or engage in activity which you believe may be degrading or humiliating to her while at the same time verbally praising or teasing/tempting her in that strong Dom tone.. you can potentially create quite a tantalizing dilemma for your sub..hearing the soothing and seductive praise of her Master may hopefully keep her attention and focus while getting in the physical degradation/humiliation..

I also agree with the take it gradual approach.. I'm a firm believer in slow and steady wins the race.

interesting stuff thanks ..